Lately, I’ve been falling about once a week. Not in a literal physical sense. It’s incredible that in 2 1/2 years of learning to walk and move around with a body that is itself learning to sense the world all over again through a damaged nervous system, I have only physically fallen down a handful of times.
But emotionally? Emotionally, I fall as a daily experience. And it’s typically an intense emotional breakdown once or twice a week. Learning to face and deal honestly with my emotions has been the steepest learning curve in the totality of this experience.
The physical process of learning to be in and move this body with a different way of sensing is almost straight forward in a way. Simple in it’s entertaining complexity. It often feels like a fun game I am playing. It is like living inside of an exciting science experiment. What will I discover and learn today?
It’s amazing I honestly feel this way about my physical injury and physical healing process. About 80% of the time. As long as I am rested and resourced with the energy I need to be the exploring physical-scientist-healing-being I love to be, then I’m good. This is the version of me I know, love and appreciate.
Then there is this other 20% of the time. Oof, this is where the deep and painful learning is taking place. This is me falling down, emotionally, psychically, energetically.
This is me standing in my kitchen seething at the amount of effort and focus it takes to open that bag or box of whatever. This is me deciding not to get dressed because the effort required just doesn’t feel worth it. This is me in tears because I peed my pants at my doorway again.
This is me learning to feel the seething anger, frustration and sadness instead of pretending it isn’t there.
This is me waking up.
I am not waking up from the physical experience of relearning how to use my body. That process is the catalyst for me learning what it means to feel my emotions more fully. To allow and invite them in as welcome guests who get a seat at the table of my being, regardless of how uncomfortable they may be.
This is part of why I want to write about my experience. I want to help or inspire others to be brave enough to be with their full spectrum of emotions. I had that big fall down the stairs that changed my life and helped me have this deeper experience of life.
I don’t want you to wait for that big fall. We don’t all have to experience a big fall to wake us up to our reality and true nature. But we do all live a life comprised of an ongoing series of falls that we continually get back up from.
We don’t really have a choice. Eventually we either get back up, or we die.
We don’t get a conscious choice in many of our falls. Our choice comes in how we react to our ‘falls’ and how we ‘walk’ once we have gotten back up. If we can learn to love and be with the pain of our falls, the parts of ourselves we feel less proud of or even hate, then we an be sure the brighter parts of ourselves will be more willing to emerge from the fall.