How paralysis is helping me feel more.

If you have been reading with me for the past months, you know I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the powerful emotions flooding my world.

The reality of settling back into life in the US after my 14 month Healing Journey and 3 month US Hugging Tour, while dealing with my state of being post-injury has been more challenging than I anticipated. Faced with the idea of building ‘a normal life’ my limitations and challenges kept smacking me in the face. Stuck in some ideal of how things are ‘supposed to be’ I often felt crippled at every turn. Without the novelty of world travel, I find myself unravelling a bundle emotions still unprocessed.

I am proud of how I’ve felt and continue to feel this emotional turmoil so fully as part of my healing process. Pausing here for a little pat on my own back.

This feeling my feelings is a whole new game for me.

I’ve spent most of my life running away from feeling any negative emotions. Anger? Nah, don’t do it. Sadness? Um are those cookies I can eat? All of them. Shame? No thanks, I’ll just focus on hating my body as it is, and beat myself up for not doing more to change it. So much easier than admitting or feeling shame, discomfort or unworthiness.

But those habits seems to be in the past. These past few months I have felt anger, sadness, and shame welling up inside and screaming, crying, writing and talking their way out of my body.

What a gift. Ironic isn’t it? That an injury that paralyzed me,  leaving 50-60% of the surface area of my body numb and half of the muscle fibers in all of my limbs unresponsive, that this same injury has helped me learn to feel my emotions more is indeed a wild truth.

A wild truth, for which I am deeply grateful.

I had no idea that so many of my long term and ongoing life woes were a myriad of symptoms from unfelt feelings.  Who knew that once I started feeling anger and sadness that my relationship with food would become easier? Who knew that acknowledging shame and discomfort and getting curious and compassionate with those feelings would be the key to being kinder to myself and my body?

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