How can I live with this broken heart?

How can I live with this broken heart? This has been ringing in my mind over and over the past few days. The pain inside is deep and it feels real.  I feel it anytime I allow myself to dwell in the dark nooks and crannies of my heart space.

Like the stream and it’s constant flow of water over stones and earth, my internal dialogue flows in a long narrative of explanation. I have a thousand stories to explain my hurting heart. And a thousand more to counter-explain why my suffering is neither unique nor particularly painful on the global scale of difficult circumstances.

I haven’t written here in over a month. How can I? The title of this blog is about my experience of a spiritual awakening that happened after my fall down the stairs. But you know what? I haven’t felt very awake lately.

I feel as trapped by my life stories and societal conditioning as I ever have. Where did my awakened spirit go? That part of me who was so alive during my Healing Journey, where is she these days? She is hiding away. She is drowned in worries of how I will pay my bills. She is choked by the pollution of city streets and a commercialistic culture. She is asleep, dreaming of the next place she can run off to to come back out of hiding.

As I write to you today, I am cc’ing her. May she read this as a wake-up call. May you recognize the parts of you that you love, or love-to-hate, that are asleep, and let this serve you also as a wake-up call.

May we each recall that we are at our best when we bring all of ourselves to the table.  When we notice that the spiritual, or creative, or bitchy, or weepy, or generous or clever, or any part of ourselves has been tucked away and hidden for one reason or another, the fact that we noticed means we miss that part of ourselves.

By limiting our expression to what feels safe and socially palatable, we reinforce cultural norms and patterns that suppress the true nature of being human. These norms are the creators of oppression and a simple great act of resistance is to be yourself fully.

By capitulating to social conditioning we miss out on the rich and the subtle qualities alive in the ephemeral aspects of our world.  This social conditioning is created to numb the masses into believing there is a right way and a wrong way to live.

I miss the part of me that looks within and writes about it bravely. I miss the part of me that knows that this thing we call ‘making a life’ is a big game that doesn’t really mean much in the large scale of existence. I miss the parts of me that sing and write poetry. I miss the part of me that knows how to be angry. I miss all those parts of me and am calling them out to play.  What parts of yourself would you like to call out to today?

It isn’t fair to our selves or the world around us to hide parts of ourselves. We owe it to existence to live our lives from a place of integrity as the whole and messy beings we are. To embrace and shine the kaleidoscope of emotions and talents we have to offer the world, whatever they may look like.

I was getting excited super as I wrote the words above. And now I feel tired.

Suddenly I remember why parts of myself are hiding, because other parts are tired. And sad. Exhausted.

It takes all of my energy to get dressed and make it through a day. The simplest acts take my fullest attention. I am giving all I have to healing this physical body, what is left of me after that?  How can I write poetry when I have nothing left inside to offer?

Prioritize.

Breath.

Accept I cannot be all of it. But I can be some of it.

I can be and do what matters most on each day by making careful and mindful choices.

By honoring and loving all of me existence as best I can with my very broken heart.

By allowing healing energy to flow through me.

This is waking up.

With all my love,

Lizandra

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “How can I live with this broken heart?

  1. Lizandra, you are feeling every day which is so obvious in this beautiful short blog piece. Life settles down after a while and can be at many times less than exciting and difficult and mundane. That is just life! As you look back to all your incredible experiences before and after, the fall, life was amazing and interesting and everything was new and challenging. Those challenges are still there and that tough, resilient, intellectual you will find a way to have a fulfilling and fun, exciting, life again very soon! If you look at this everyday ordinary life as your most challenging to get through yet just because it is so ordinary then perhaps that may provide you with a little more solance. Don’t berate your self for a little self pity once in awhile. This New you is still pretty damn new and you are doing amazingly, awesomely well! Be good to yourself!

    All the best,
    Betsy Smith

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  2. Lizandra, I have read several of your beautiful essays and am stopping to comment here. I’m 15 months post injury, a walking quad (Brown Sequard, C6-7 incomplete, surgical accident). I can completely relate to and empathize with everything you write. Like you, I am incredibly grateful for my progress, proud of my body, and am trying to grow from the journey I’m on. But oh how I miss my “old life”, my career, the ability to easily power through a 12 hour day, drive anywhere I want to, especially if one of my kids need me. I, too, sob out of weariness from intractable pain, from always being tired, from missing the “old me”. Inevitably the next hour or day is better (as is my attitude!) and I continue forward on this path of rehabilitation, upward on the mountain of recovery that I don’t think has an end! But I’m grateful. Thank you for your honesty. This helps ❤️

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    1. Hi Laurie – Thank you for commenting and commiserating and celebrating with me. It is a wild ride through life with a partial spinal cord injury – and it is wonderful to connect with others who ‘get it’.

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